Shame, Guilt, and Regret -- Which Are You?

Do guilt and shame do more harm than good?  We seem to believe that these emotions will prevent us from repeating misdeeds.  And yet many people seem to only dig themselves deeper into the same negative cycle, under the sway of these emotions.

Guilt means being haunted by memories of past mistakes and feeling you are a "bad person," whenever these memories come up.  Shame is fear of being condemned by others for current or past behavior, and therefore hiding who you really are and keeping important parts of yourself secret.

Both guilt and shame are self-focused, having to do with one's self-image.  In guilt, you see yourself as a bad person because of what you've done.  In shame you imagine yourself through other people's eyes and imagine they would condemn you as disgusting person.

Loathing, disgust, hopelessness, depression, feeling unworthy, less than, and dirty -- these are emotions that go along with guilt and shame.  Both are fear-based and both focus on self.

Regret  focuses on what happened and its effect on oneself and others.  Regret is more other-focused.  Therefore, regret leads to taking action to correct or repair the damage, or to prevent future damage.

If an alcoholic feels guilty about his drinking, he may end up drinking to numb the feeling of guilt. Similarly with shame, the addict will try harder to hide her addiction, won't reach out for help because of the shame, and will get high in order to bury the feelings.  Guilt and shame often lead to suicidal thinking, and sometimes suicide attempts. 

An addict may say to loved ones, "You'd be better off without me.  You'd be better off I were dead." Sometimes this is said as a manipulative tactic, to get a family member to "back off," during an argument about the addiction.  But it also reflects real feelings too.  The alcoholic who believes, "Everyone would be better off if I were dead," may then get drunk, drive while impaired, and end by killing himself and others.

The first step of any twelve step program is to acknowledge one's powerless over the addiction.  This means guilt and shame reflect a false belief. The false belief is that the guilt-feeling "self"  is the same "self" that indulges in the addiction.

Of course, the same person does both the drinking and the feeling guilty.  But the state of mind, the emotional feeling, the pattern of thinking, is different for each.  The self that is feeling guilty really doesn't want to drink, at that moment.  And the self that is drinking really doesn't care or think about the self that is going to feel guilty the next day.

In this sense, guilt and shame focus on the past and future. Guilt dwells on the past because the guilty self  identifies with what another "self" did in the past.  Shame anticipates the condemnation of others he or she will encounter in the future.

Regret, however, is focused on the present.  Regret thinks, "What can I do now to repair past damage and prevent future damage?" Since we only can change things in the present, regret focuses on the present.  

Regret acknowledges the goodness of oneself in the present, rather than identifying with negative images of oneself from the past and the future.  Regret is self-affirming rather than self-hating.

Perhaps you use the terms guilt and shame differently than I have used them in this essay.  If so, consider the concepts I am describing rather than the terms I am using.  It does no good to blame ourselves for past behavior.  Theoretically we could have acted differently in the past, but since we didn't, something must have prevented it.  If we could go back into the past now, in our current state of mind, we would act differently.  But if we were transported into the past with exactly the same frame of mind we had then, we would have done the same thing. Therefore hand-wringing about the past is pointless.  

When we find ourselves replaying the past again and again in our minds it is good to remind ourselves we are not exactly the same person now that we were then. That was then, this is now.  What can I do concretely to make life better for myself and others right now?  

Just as we forgive friends and family members for things that have happened in the past, we can and should forgive ourselves too.  Instead of continually blaming ourselves, we can look back and see what happened and why it happened, and take corrective steps.  As we look into this, we find that self-blame and other-blame are intertwined.  Habits of self-condemnation may be part of a more general pattern of harsh judgment of others, as well as oneself.

It is unreasonable to expect ourselves to be "perfect" in some self-enclosed and isolated fashion.  No one is an island.  The quality of our lives depends upon a number of conditions, especially our interrelationship with others.  Cultivating relationships with supportive and accepting friends and family, spending time in nature, getting adequate nutrition, rest, and exercise, and engaging in mindfulness meditation are all important aspects of a good life.